Inner Battle and learning to stand

As I said in my last blog I have started counseling. I am learning more and more about myself, but most of all, I am facing my fears. I have stopped running from my past and am now embracing it. Everyone has a past, a history, and a story to tell. Yes, every persons is unique and no two people have the exact same story. Even if you lived in the same household, your story is different. This is because we all see from a different perspective. Your perspective is key to your victory. How you view a situation determines your outcome. If you see a situation as hopeless, you fight as though you already lost. If you remind yourself that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens you, you will fight as though the battle has already been won.
I am learning I have to change my mindset and perspective on alot of things. One is how I view myself. They say,"We are our own worse critic" and that is because most of the time we look in the mirror and only see our flaws. I realized the other day, when I look in the mirror i don't focus on myself. I focus on what I am doing. I fix my hair, brush my teeth, or do my makeup but I never really look at me. I see the outside, but never look past it.
A few weeks ago, I did my first race ever! I ran/jogged a 5k. It is definitely harder to run outside than in a gym...just sayin! Anyways, when I was preparing for the race I was doing like 6 miles a day in the gym and thought that it was going to be easy. Man was I wrong!!! About half way through I thought I wasn't going to make it. My knees were hurting and my legs were on fire. I met a girl named Tegan and we did the last mile together. It's easier to keep going when you have someone doing it with you. When I turned the corner and saw the finish line, I began to cry! I couldn't believe that I had done it! I was really going to finish this race!! The last bit of it I ran, even though my legs felt like they were going to fall off!
This was a small victory, but it made a huge impact. It reminded me not to lose focus, even when I can't see the finish line! I may still be struggling to win, but at least I'm still fighting! When I reach my goal weight, I'm not just going to be skinny... I'm going to be free!! I am learning and dealing with the root issues! So I can figure out what got me to this point in the first place and overcome it. Because if I lose the weight but don't deal with the issues, I will end up right back from where I started!
Part of it is, I need to believe I am worth it! I need to believe I am worth fighting for! I am worth the victory! God made me with a purpose and part of it is to become free and so that He can use me to free others.
Ok.... I'm going to stop for now because this is long, but I'll be back with updates soon!! Love you all! :)

Failure and Frustration

A very smart lady told me that I should share every aspect of my journey. So I have named this particular blog Failure and Frustration. I have no problem with admitting it's really hard for me to do it on my own. It sometimes puts me to tears when my friends are losing weight faster than me when I work so hard! I just don't understand! I sometimes wonder if this will be the story of my life..... A NEVER ending uphill battle. Just once in my life I want something to be easy, but I guess I wouldn't appreciate the victory as much.
You may be asking why I feel this way. I just moved back to Alabama, went to another country, started a new job, and have been pretty much at the same weight for a month! Ahhhhhhhh..... seriously! It's hard to keep the same routine, when all the circumstances change! I'm not going to lie, I really miss my trainer and my gym in NC!!!
I work at a private preschool now and I really love it! However when you work with kids, you never know what they are going to say. One of the little girls in my class said to me today, Ms. Tasha, you're too fat... You need to lose weight! as she finished her sentence another little boy said yeah you have a big belly. Normally this would not bother me, but since I have been feeling so frustrated, it really affected me.
I know this is another hurdle I have to get over, it's just hard at the moment. I'm being very open and honest. I realize in order to change my life and help others to change theirs, I have to be willing to share every part of me... The good, the bad, and yes the ugly!! :(
I have decided to go to counseling. I've always seen counseling in a negative way.I thought there must be something seriously wrong with you if you need counseling. But I now understand that it's a way to get an outsiders point of view. As they say, sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees. It's also nice to know you're not going crazy and you are NOT alone! I talked to a very special lady this week. God knew I needed it because it came at the perfect time! She talked to me and shared some things I really needed to hear. She gave me a letter and told me to read it everyday for 30 days. It's called A love Letter From Your Father. It's basically a love letter from God to you. It tells you what he thinks of you and his plans for you. I have been enjoying reading it. Now, I just need to believe thewords I am saying out loud!
No one every promised this would be easy! You are not defined by your failure, you are defined by the choice you make when you fail. do you get up and try again, or do you except defeat? That's where true character is shown!
Don't worry, I'll get out of this funk and continue on. I know it may seem impossible at times, but I'm not worried! God said in him all things are possible. So I have to do this through him and stop trying to do it on my own! Well that's all for now. :)

Facing new Challanges!!

I am getting ready to go to Guatemala on a mission trip, and I'm so so so excited!! I'm a little worried about the food that will be provided, but portioning well and preparing ahead of time will help me continue in my success! Last year we ate alot of chicken, white rice, flour tortillas, eggs, and pancakes. I can eat this, just in moderation. I'm going to take a few boxes of pure protein bars, brown rice cakes, peanut butter, and most importantly my 34 oz water bottle! Drinking 100 to 150 oz of water a day is key in losing weight. Most people are dehydrated, if you don't think you are take this challange and find out. Drink 50 oz of water before noon and 50 oz of water before 7pm. If you are constantly using the potty, you are dehydrated. If you find you are going as you would normally, congratulations on keeping yourself hydrated!! :)
I will admit I hit a platue for a few weeks and it killed me! I was so struggling with not seeing a result for my hard work, but I have to cut myself a little slack.... I was in the middle of moving and the stress of trying to find a job. Stress usually makes you gain weight, but luckily that didn't happen, I just stayed the same. You know, wen you drink alot of water you begin to really taste the difference in it. Like I don't like the taste of Aqafina, but I love smart water! Some waters just taste weird. like the water from my sink taste like it has metal in it. Yuck! Anyways, yesterday was Easter and I ate so much candy, that I will be happy if I never eat or see any of it ever again. I didn't really eat alot, but when you don't eat junk all week and just have it on Sunday's, a little can seem like alot. It made my tummy hurt!
So I am continuing on this journey but I have added a few passengers on this train of success! My friend Lisa is now working out with me and I have to say I love it!! it's always so much more fun to go to the gym with a friend! She sarted with me this past friday, and I have to say I am so proud of her! She has the same get it done attitude as me so I think we will do well together, pushing and encouraging each other! Her first day she did all the strength training I put her through and did 2 miles on the elliptical! She did great! She gave me the greatest compliment ever, she told me I'm like Jillian Michaels when I train but I am also super encouraging! That made my day. she told me the whole time she didn't like me, but I just replied with a "I don't care!" lol! I guess watching Jillian on BL really rubbed off! Hahahahaha!
So in case I didn't share it with you, my newest dream is to become a personal trainer and a motivational speaker!!! Who better to help someone dealing with weight issues than someone who has been there?!?! This is a bi dream for me, because it will have to be God helping me and requires alot of hard work, but it is going to be so so so worth it!!
Lisa and I are going to a Zumba class this afternoon and I am so looking forward to it!! If you get a chance, go to a dance or kickboxing class at the gym! You'll have a blast and burn between 600-800 calories in an hour!! I guess that's it for now, but make a healthy choice today! Because healthy choices lead to a long healthy life!!! Love you all! Feel free to share your stories with me!! <3

Embrace Change

So a little while ago I was walking through Walmart and I saw this necklace, it read "Embrace Change" on the front and "Life is a gift embrace it" on the back. I bought the necklace as a daily reminder to embrace what comes my way. I believe God gives us the desires of our hearts and part of my desire is to become healthy and live a long healthy life and help others do the same. I believe that everything happens for a reason and part of the reason I feel God brought me to Charlotte NC is to meet the family I would work for, who would introduce me to my trainer Betsy, who would connect me to Mrs. Lynne and kick my tail into shape. No, I have by no means lost all I need to, but I am on my way to living the way I have always wanted to. For those of you who do not know, I am about to move back to Huntsville Al. Side note, have you ever just wanted all the really cool people who are apart of your life to live in one place so you could be with everyone?!?! I hate saying goodbye! Anyways, it will be hard to leave but exciting too!
There is a saying, "Knowledge is power." if that is true I must be pretty powerful now. Most of my excuses for staying overweight was because I didn't know how to lose it the right way, but now thanks to the B.T.E. (Best Trainer Ever), I have the knowledge to succeed! I'm going back to Huntsville with the tools for success and a changed mindset! By next year, I will be a whole new person and it's because I'm changing more and more on the inside and it's reflecting on the outside. It's still a battle, and I have to be careful not to fall back into old habits because it's all to easy to do so. When it comes to weight loss, you can not compromise, because it will throw you off. You'll think, it's ok to have just one cookie, but who really only eats just one? I am finding the more I say no to those things that so used to tempt me, the less I crave those things. It's not always easy to say no especially during that time of month for us ladies. Betsy told me to chose a better option like fruit and yogurt instead of cookies and ice cream!
A couple weeks ago before the decision was made to move back to Al, I was struggling with what to do, because I was scared to move away and not have Betsy there if I needed her. But you know, just because there is a change in your life, doesn't mean that those people who are apart of your life are going to turn their back on you. I really believe God put Betsy in my life to help with this particular journey. Yes, it's a trainers job to help you get in shape, but you can tell if someone genuinely cares about you or it's about the cash. Betsy cares for the person, the cash is just a perk! lol! She is going to keep up with me even when I move!! She told me that as long as she driving my ship, I'm not going to sink. And just having someone believe that much in you gives you the courage to push forward and have confidence you can make it
I will miss the Y here in Charlotte. I made alot of good friends, and I love the classes I take! Mrs. Lynne's Kick Boxing class, Pace's Kick Boxing class, Koh's Zumba class, and Andre's Cardio Funk class are the ones I took weekly. I love Kick Boxing and Zumba, but my favorite is Cardio Funk! I loved that class. If you live in Charlotte, I recommend these classes! You will have fun and burn a ton of calories!! Anyways, I have some great news...... I have now gone from a size 26 jeans to a size 22 and from a size 26 shirt to a size 20!! I am so excited, because I feel so good and I have more confidence in myself! Betsy, Lynne, Pace, Andre, Beth, and Kasey, all my Y people, I will miss you very much! Thank you for helping this far along my journey! Ok, I'm done for now.... lol! <3

FEAR= Face Everything And Recover

OK... So as most of you know, I was on Atkins for quite a while. I found out that it is actually horrible for you. Yes, I lost 44 pounds while on it, but it is not a healthy diet. All that protein is hard on your body and your body can really only process 20 grams of protein at a time. When you do this particular diet, it is drilled in your head that carbs are bad and you have to stay away from them. So I would only eat between 10 & 20 carbs a day. After I stopped doing Atkins, I gained almost 30 pounds back. That totally sucked.
Long story short, I was so nervous when I started eating the food on the meal plan my trainer gave me. Side note, I still believe I have the best trainer in the entire world! Just saying! Anyways, she told me I had to trust her and trust the process. That's exactly what I had to do. One of the things I had to start doing is drink 100 to 150 ounces of water a day. I was able to start doing that right away. Btw... You have to go potty alot when you first start, but after that it's not so bad. I am now up to 68oz before noon & 68oz before 7pm. I haven't really drank anything but water for almost a month! That's exciting to me. I think all I had was one cup of coffee. lol!
I have been going to the gym for almost 6 months now and for a majority of the time, I was pretty much shooting myself in the foot because I wasn't eating enough and my body was storing what I did eat because I was working out so much. I was so mad when I found that out, but you live and learn right? I have been eating right and working out for a little over 3 weeks now. I have never felt so good. I am staying hydrated and building/ toning muscle the right way! Best of all, I'm happy to share that I have lost 15 pounds so far!! :) Yay me! lol!
The morning I weighed in and realized how much I have lost, I was super excited! My excitement was short lived because all those familiar fears came flooding back. I was reminded of every time I hard lost some weight and it all came back again. I think that's the biggest fear right now. Is that this will be like every other time. I'll lose it and then gain it right back. But the difference this time is, I am being given the tools to succeed, I have a support system, and I believe I can do it!
That's why I named this one FEAR, because fear is simply facing everything and recovering from it. I have to face all those things that says I won't be any different than my family and take them head on. I know I can do this!!! I will do this. :D

Training for the Win!!

Ok... SO it's been a few weeks since I last blogged. Alot has happened, but the thing I'm most excited about is my personal trainer! Her name is Betsy and she is Fantastic! If you have been overweight for any length of time, you know that most people have a comment about your weight or they'll tell you to go on a diet. But those same people, including doctors, do not want to help you fix the problem. That's why I am so thankful for Betsy. You know those people who genuinly care for others, yeah thats pretty much the type of person she is. I am not saying that this journey is going to become easy and I don't have to work as hard. NO, I'm saying that now that I have somebody showing how to change my eating habits, work out corretly, and above all how to get on the right track, a small part of my battle has already been won. If knowledge is power, I am getting stronger everyday.

If you have a story like mine, you were never taught how to eat right. So how can people expect you to know what to do and not to do? I had it all wrong, I would tend to not eat enough, and that was hurting me more than it helped me. Betsy gave me a meal plan, a grocery list, and a workout routine. She has literally given me the tools I lacked to succeed.

Everytime I tried to lose weight, I did it half heartedly because I felt I was setting myself up for another failure. That mindset is hard to break, and at times it's hard to make myself go to the gym because I'm afraid I'll fail again. But I keep going because somehow I know this time is different. When I had my consultation with her, I found the hope I had lost somewhere along the way. I am so thankful for this journey I have to walk, because although it's hard right now, I know when I beat this thing, I will have such an amazing story to share with people. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I moved to Charlotte and met Jocelyn for a reason. Jocelyn is the mom of the girls I nanny. She is the one who hooked me up with Betsy because she saw how hard I was working and how much I wanted this for myself. She believes I can do it, and so she gave me the help I needed.

So now I am eating the right way, working out in a way that's affective for my body, and drinking a gallon of water everyday. I have started some new cardio class and I love it. I went to a cardio kick boxing class and while I was waiting in line someone in the line next to me turned to me and said "maybe you should have started w/ an easier class." I just love when people judge what you can or can't do just by looking at you. I didn't even know that lady and she said that to me. Well if you know me, that just made me even more determined to do well and prove her wrong. I am so competitive. lol! So I pushed myself to the limit and I loved every minute of it! The same lady came up to me after class and told me I did well. Weird, she was watching. lol! So now my favorite classes are Cardio Kick Boxing, Zumba, and Cardio Funk!!!

I have Nicole, my friend, Jocelyn, Wendy, and Betsy behind me!! You watch, I am going to do it this time!! I may have my good days and bad days, but I will make it through because I am building a strong support system. So I want to say thank you to all of you who have and does believe in me! I especially want to say thank you to Nicole, Wendy, Jocelyn, and Betsy!! I love you and thank you for encouraging me and believing I can accomplish this dream! I will be updating more often! :) <3>

Keep Going

Ok.... so. I have an amazing boss! They got me a a personal trainer/nutritionist as a Christmas present. The holidays were a little rough, but I am back into my routine. It's crazy how just a few weeks out of your routine can knock you off track. All of my muscles are aching.
To begin, I have to journal pretty much everything about my day. What time I get up, what time I eat and what I eat, what time I drink and what I drink, what time I exercise and what I do and for how long, and what time I go to bed. It really puts things in perspective and it's alot harder to eat something that's not healthy for you when you have to put it in writing. It makes you evaluate yourself and helps you to be aware of what you're putting in your body.
I have done a food journal before, but since I wasn't really accountable to anyone, it didn't work out so well. So if you decide this is something you want to do, have an accountability partner!
It is really hard to lose weight by yourself, but it's not impossible. With the right people to help you and the right motivation you can do it. I was thinking the other day about addictions and this is what I came up with. If you're an alcoholic, a drug addict, or even a sex addict, you can live without these things. You can quit them cold turkey and once your free from them, you never have to face it again. I believe food addiction is the hardest addiction to break. Because unlike all the other addictions, you can't just stop eating. You have to face it at least 3 times a day. I know I can do this! It's going to take alot of hard work and determination, but I believe in myself. So I'm declaring, I will not give up or back down! I will do it this time!! This curse that has plagued my family, will be broken with me! :D To be cont.....